And I want to be aFan Fiction Writer
by Foreword
Summary: Olivia & Elliot enjoy trolling fan fiction sites and reading about their own exploits, but one day, they find a new twist-the writers have included themselves in the story!


_A/N: Just a tongue-in-cheek parody of what many of us doing-writing fan fiction and imagining ourselves in the place of the characters. Credit for the story idea goes to my good friend Corimaree, who is the Queen Beta of Fan Fiction. If you follow me on twitter, you may just recognize yourself in this story..._

_For the title, think of the tune to "Paperback Writer" by the Beatles. ;-)_

**And I want to be a….Fan Fiction Writer**

"They've got me doing what?" Elliot asks, peering over Olivia's shoulder at her computer screen.

"Those people that write about us all of the time, they've got you having sex with THEM now," Olivia explains patiently. "Usually, they're writing about you and me getting it on, and Kathy being a raving jealous lunatic, but this time they've got a new twist."

"How can that be?" he questions, still confused. "I mean, we're television characters….and they're…real people, right? Is it even possible to have sex between different…planes of reality?"

"I guess in fan fiction, anything is possible," Olivia tells him as she clicks on a link. "Read this one, it's pretty hot."

"You mean I'm hot," Elliot says, puffing out his chest a bit with pride.

"Well, they've obviously got a lot of imagination," Olivia answers, giving him a skeptical glance. "I mean, if they think _you and I_ would ever actually hook up…."

Elliot pushes her aside and peers more closely at her screen.

"_Elliot pushed her up against a wall and ran his hand up her leg under her short, tight skirt_." He reads out loud, moving even closer to the screen. Elliot has needed reading glasses for some time, but he's too vain to admit it. "Hey, this is good, maybe I could pick up some tips."

"What are you two doing?" barks Captain Cragen, coming up behind them from out of nowhere. "I thought I told you to stay off those fan fiction sites when you're supposed to be working."

"But, Captain," Olivia exclaims, taking the mouse away from Elliot and clicking on another link. "This one has you involved in a ménage a trois with Melinda Warner and Alex Cabot."

"Really?" gasps Cragen. "I've got to see that!" He pushes Elliot aside and reads over Olivia's shoulder.

"Wow," he says after a minute. "That's really…interesting. I think they've captured me pretty well, don't you?"

"_The Captain ripped off his shirt, revealing a powerful chest of sharply defined muscles. He had a tattoo of the NYPD logo on his bicep that only served to enhance his manly aura_." Olivia read out loud. "Um…sure, Captain, they've got you pegged."

Elliot gives a little snort as he undoes another button on his dress shirt. Everyone knows that he has the most frequently described chest in all of fan fiction. He rolls up his sleeves to expose his manly forearms, another feature often expounded upon in the colorful stories about him and his partner.

"Let's get back to my story," he urges. "Read it to me, will you, Liv? I want to take notes." He dashes around to his desk and comes back with a notebook and a pen. "Okay, I'm ready, go ahead."

Cragen lingers to listen as well. Olivia finds the right web page and clears her throat. "Where did you leave off…oh, yes…_.he ran his leg up up her leg under her short, tight skirt. _

"_I've been dying to meet you," Elliot panted, as his manly fingers stroked the very essence of her femaleness. "The descriptive language in your stories always leaves me wanting more." _

"_I've dreamt of this moment," moaned Kara, hiking up her skirt to give him better access. "You don't know how often I've wanted to put myself in Olivia's or Kathy's place in one of these damn stories. Well, now I've finally done it." _

_As their lips locked and their tongues met, probing to the very depths of each other's dental work, they were startled back to reality when a hand grabbed Elliot's shoulder and pulled him away._

"_Hey, it's my turn," exclaimed Chrissy, pushing at Kara to move her out of the way. "You know how long I've wanted to lick his tattoos." _

"_Only the crucifix," reminded a voice behind her. "I get to lick the butterfly." Terry was waiting, with her arms folded and her foot tapping. _

"Wait—you've got a butterfly tattoo?" Cragen asks Elliot, turning to look at him. "I've never seen that one."

"And you never will," says Elliot, blushing. "Get back to the story, Liv." He holds his pen poised over the paper, ready to take notes. _Women really like tattoos_, he writes on his pad. _Get more_.

"_All of you, back off," Yet another voice was added to the fray. "You know I'm the Queen of the Pervs, I should get the first chance at him." Lynnette pushed Terry to the back of the line and was eyeing Chrissy with narrowed eyes. _

_In all of the confusion, no one noticed as Kara slipped around to the other side of Elliot until she suddenly grabbed him and pulled him toward the door._

"_He's mine, you bitches!" she screamed, as she forced the big strong detective into the crib. "I wrote this damn story and I get to have him first!"_

_Before any of them could react, the door to the crib slammed shut and they heard the sound of a bolt sliding home on the other side._

"_What do we do now?" asked Chrissy, looking forlorn. "By the time she's done with him, there won't be anything left for the rest of us." _

"_I've got another idea," said yet another voice. They turned to see Brennan, with a large pistol in her hand. "I borrowed my hubby's gun, I can shoot the door open." _

"_Good idea!" said Cynthia from behind her. "And then we can kidnap him and take him to the Jersey shore. We'll keep him safe there until we decide who gets to go first."_

"_No, I say we take him back my place to Florida," said Belinda. "The weather is warmer down there and you know how sexy he is when he sweats." All of the women nodded in agreement at this suggestion. _

"_If you're going to shoot down the door, just DO IT," Terry exclaimed. "There are BEDS in that room, who knows what they're going."_

"_Someone send her a tweet," suggested Chrissy. "You know she always stops whatever she's doing to read her tweets."_

"_Would YOU stop what you were doing with Elliot to answer a tweet?" asked Laureli skepticall. Laureli had rushed over from her job at The Gap when she got a tweet from Chrissy telling her of the confrontation at the precinct. _

"_Everyone stand back," announced Brennan. She aimed her gun at the door and placed a barrage of rounds into wood. The door flew open, a jagged hole where the lock had been. _

_They all gaped in surprised as they realized the room was empty._

"_Wait, I proofread this story," said Corrine, who had come air into the room without them noticing. "I remember what happens next—check the showers." _

_As a group, the fan fiction writers surgee into the crib and to the door to the bathroom. Sure enough, there was the sound of running water and loud animalistic noises coming from the shower._

"_I can't look," screamed Chrissy, "someone make them stop"_

"_Dios Mio!" exclaimed Klara, who had joined them just a minute before. _

"_I'll stop them" said Brennan with a determined look. She pulled more bullets out of her pocket and re-loaded the gun. Stepping past the group of writers, she fired a shot into the ceiling of the bathroom._

"_What the….?" Came Elliot's voice from the shower. There was the rasp of a faucet turning and the water stopped, as did, thankfully, the animalistic groans and grunts. Elliot stuck his head out of from behind the curtain. "What's the problem, ladies?" he asked when he saw the group. _

"_It's not fair," whined Terry. "We're all writers, why should SHE get you first?" _

"_Ladies, ladies," Said Elliot. They all gasped as he stepped out of the shower, revealing his rock hard throbbing manhood standing at full attention like a flagpole on a politician's doorstep. "There's enough of me to go around, just wait your turn."_

"_See, I told you," said Lynette, elbowing Corrine. "I always said he'd be able to handle all of us."_

"_There is, there is," said Elliot with a smirk. "Just figure out a system as to who goes in what order while we finish up in here," he turned to leer at Kara, who stood in the entrance of the shower, wrapped in the curtain and eyeing Brennan's gun nervously, "And then I'll be right out to see to the rest of you."_

"Wow," says Elliot, setting down his pen and pad with a look of apprehension. "What do they think I am, Superman or something?"

"I can give you some tips, "Cragen assures him, putting an arm around his shoulder. "Evidently I'm quite good with multiple partners." Elliot gives him a suspicious look and pulls away, one hand slipping down automatically to cover his Lepidoptera.

"Do you want to hear the rest of this or not?" asks Olivia, who is growing bored with this whole story in which she, for once, does not appear at all. In a way, she's relieved not to feature in this bizarre fantasy. It gets old, everyone trying to pair her up with Elliot. Don't they realize, that after their long days of working together, he's the _last_ person she wants under her sheets at night? Besides, he's _married_, and she'd never risk crossing his wife. She's seen what Kathy can be like when she's pissed.

"I guess so," Elliot sighs.

"_The group waited for what seemed like forever, trying to ignore the sounds coming from the shower stall. No one dared move far away in case the clever Kara found a way to spirit Elliot out of the crib before they got their turn._

_Finally, the water turned off and Elliot came out, a cat-who-swallowed-the-canary look of satisfaction on his handsome face. His blue eyes shone with contentment._

"_I've got one condition," he announced to the group. They looked at him, eager to have a chance to put that same smile on his face and ready to do anything for the opportunity. "Kara wrote her own scenario for this to happen, you each have to do the same and submit it to fanfiction. We'll go in order of reviews. The person with the most reviews for their story goes first, and so on down the line."_

_There was a mass exodus as the women dashed out of the precinct to get back to their computers. _

"Hey, I was pretty smart there," says Elliot proudly, obviously relieved at not having had the pressure of servicing a whole group of women at once.

Olivia rolls her eyes. "It's _fiction_, you idiot," she tells him.

"What's fiction?" asked Munch, as he and Fin return from canvassing a convent in an attempt to discover who has been making sexually harassing phone calls to the local priests.

"Oh, there's a great one here about you two," says Olivia, turning back to her computer. "Just let me see if I can find it….."


End file.
